This year better be better!! I know I have to make an effort but why?? Its just me here, why get dressed or showered. I can tell that sob is changing. I see the pulm doc on wednesday so who knows!! I just feel very down....not depressed...just feeling sorry for myself I guess. I am finally getting over this head cold crud that I had but I fell in the hall on Monday and hurt my right leg. It is feeling better but still limping now. I know I didn't break anything but it was the same area that I broke my ankle last Feb. It seems like Feb is an anniversay for several things.....when I broke my ankle, got my medicaid approved, sent in my application to the low income place. So who knows??!!  I just don't feel like doing anything. Seems like I get sob more too. I have taken my oxygen sats and they have been down too even tho I am on 02 24/7. Maybe I need to up it from 4L to 5L. Well the doc will tell me. I still have to mail out the christmas gifts to my 2 girls. I want to get them some little things to include then they will be mailed. I did not send any cards out, no decorations all this cuz I was sick.
I have been reading other phers diaries and I think my ph has been changing. I think the doc will change my meds cuz of this. From reading other phers I can tell it has changed and I do not want to go on a IV med. That scares me to death!! When I saw my cardio the first of dec he put me on a heart monitor cuz I have been having heart palpations. I had to have that on for 30 days, I took that off yesterday and have that to be mailed back. I am anxious to see what that says. Other phers say they are having memory loss. I started having that back when I was dxd with congestive heart failure, about 6 years ago. That is when all this other stuff starting to happen. I have a hard time concentrating, reading things and then retaining it. I think it is with the blood flo and lack of 02. I have told my docs but they don't seem to care or notice.
I guess right now I am scared. I am here alone and thinking........ is this my life now??!!
I don't have a new years reselution....I just want a better life!!

Been awhile since i have been on here. Not sure why, i guess nothing to say. Same old stuff. Then i went and fell. Fractured my right wrist and pulled tendons in my left foot. So now i still cannot drive, which really sucks!!  I have fallen before but i did not hurt myself that bad. Heather thinks its because i am not wearing my bi-pap mask at night. I don't think it is that. My legs just give out all of a sudden. I don't pass out or faint. My doc wants me to see a neuro doc when i am all healed. OH BOY something else! I have told her about the falling before and how my body jerks sometimes. Then i thought i was having mini-strokes and the doc said no it was not that. So more tests to be done!
I don't like this. All my life i have been the "sick one". I had enough on my plate then i don't want anything else for people to say "oh poor Joellen look at her". I just want to be left alone. Without being able to drive i am pretty much stuck at home. Then i start feeling sorry for myself and thats not good. So i just sit all day. I hate to ask for help. I have always been the "mom". I don't have alot of family/friends that can take me places during the day....they all work. I am hoping in a week or two that i can start driving. Plus the weather has been horrible so i guess staying home is a good thing.
My ex got married in jan. I have been thinking about that alot. He posted pics on fb and i keep looking at them. Not as much at the beginning but still off and on. He cleaned himself up and looks pretty good. I think she is from Laos. After being married for 23 years it is sad, being divorced for 10 years with no boyfriend is even sadder!!!
My mom and i put in our apps for a 2 bedroom at the place she lives. I cannot afford to stay here. I never thought i would be moving there, i thought she would live with  me. Oh well, i gotta do what i gotta do. A girl that i went to school with lives there now so it is not a bunch of "old" people, it is a low-income place.
I had such an awful last year that i was hoping for a better 2011. Just getting passed a couple road blocks and hoping for smooth sailing!!

My mom called to tell me that a classmate friend of mine died. She lived at the same building that my mom lives at. Evidently she died sometime yesterday and they found her this morning. She was my age and had COPD plus had several back surgeries. She always rode around in a scooter and was a heavy smoker plus she was on oxygen. She was sick with bronchitis and it looked like she could not get her breath. I am so sad over this. I just talked to her 3 days ago. She was so excited about me getting an apartment there.
Then I got the call from them and they have an apartment open for me. I have been waiting over a year to move there. It is a low income facility. I couple move there in a couple of weeks.I am hoping my family and friends will help me move. I just can't do the bending over and picking up heavy stuff.
Boy.....I don't even know where to start packing at. I think I will start going thru the clothes cuz those apartments do not have a lot of space. Downsizing again!!!