Coping
Patient and Caregiver Diaries
Patient Diary -- Jenn Lalonde
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Today was a rainy boring lazy day. Wes is working afternoons (he just left) and I didn't even have a shower today. I don't care. I will admit to this...I do watch alot of TV. I have many favorite shows, but lately TV is so depressing. I believe the last 5 or 6 shows I've watched, someone has died in every epidose. I can't handle this anymore. I'm so scared of dying and I don't want to die any time soon. AHH I can't even talk or write about this because tears start happening in my eyes, but it's true. Death is everywhere. I was thinking last night that if I die what will Wes do? Will he still live here without me? Will he meet someone else and she'll move in here? I can't handle this. I am so scared and I hate that I have this @#$%&*# disease. I really wish I could swear because I want to so bad right now. I also think that whoever might be reading this is probably thinking to themselves..."holy shit, she's messed up" But the thing is, I am pretty messed up. Pph messed my entire life up!!! As long as I'm admitting things about myself I might as well say that I tend to feel sorry for myself because of pph every day - but I also don't care about feeling sorry for myself and I feel like I have the right to! We all do! Because this is not fun, and in no way is this easy! I'm just getting more and more scared every day. And I know people say "but your young, you have a good chance," but no, not really because were all gonna die and from what the doctors tell us it's gonna be sooner than later. I hate living in fear. I gotta get outta here.
pink. I really used to hate the color pink but lately I kinda like it. Today Wes was off because he worked graveyard last night so we went 4x4'ing in the bush. We went to Kukagami so he did bring his gun incase we seen a moose, but of course the only thing we saw was a skinny little partrigde. I LOVE the bush and being there this time of year is my favorite. All the leaves are red, yellow, orange and half of them are already on the ground. Being out there today made me miss summer though. It goes by so fast and especially here....we have like 3 months of summer and the other 9 are brutal. I hate winter but sort of love it at the same time. I just don't like the cold and who wants to do anything in -30 conditions. Not me. Ah hopefully this will be a nice winter. One thing I am excited for is X-mas. For the housewarming party everyone bought me some kind of christmas decoration so that helps alot. I hope I get a dog this christmas. I really want one bad. I thought it might be really hard to ever get one again after Rylee died, but I'm ready. I need something to keep me busy. I love dogs and I know this might be more than I can handle right now....but I'm going for it. I don't know what kind I want though, and this could get tough because I would like to get one soon...maybe even before x-mas if I can find the right breed. Big decision. I have been looking all over the internet for ideas but I don't know yet.......and there are so many...
There should be a better color selection on this program because if there were, I would have written in orange.
Happy Halloween....
Well thats all I really wanted to say, I have to get ready. We have a house inspector coming over this afternoon, Wes found out that the foundation of our house isn't made out of concrete like it said it was in the survey, it is made from wood. So there's gonna be shit to pay...we are planning on suing the previous owner's butt off. I'm kinda excited about that!! This means we are gonna get a brand new basement, and brand new plumbing free!! Sometimes life can be bearable.
What a crappy halloween this year was! It rained (poured) most of the night and we only got about 35 kids. I had asked our neighbor how many kids she usually gets and she said usually 130. Damn. I bought 80 chocolate milks and 60 bags of party mix. I'm gonna be drinking chocolate milk forever. But that's ok, I don't mind. Too bad it was so ugly out there, I felt sorry for all the kids. I said to Wes, times have really changed because I remember when I was trick or treating, the streets were FULL of kids until atleast 9:00. Tonight it started about 5:45, a couple of the kids weren't even in a costume..and we didn't get anyone come to the door past 7:00. Sad. Oh well.
So I'm completely changing the subject but, now I find out that I have CHF. Great. It's funny I found out here, on Phcentral, and not from my doctor. I can't believe this. I don't know if I should be worrying or not and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like smacking my doctor in the head for not telling me. Before I got diagnosed with anything at all, I remember asking my mom what I could do about swollen ankles so she said to go on the internet and check it out. She told me to "Ask Jeeves", so I went in to that, typed in swollen ankles and all this shit about heart failure came up. I was beginning to get a little scared, I said to Wes (as a joke) I have heart failure. But then I looked into it a little more because of course at that point in my life I new it had to be something serious enough. And Mother of God look at me now. I hate primary pulmonary hypertension. I hate it so much. Last week I was on the chat talking to someone I've never talked to before and she was practically bragging that she wasn't afraid of this disease and if she were to ever get pph, she would be fine with it.... Is that right? That honestly just angers me. I can't say that I'll ever be FINE with this illness and I am very much afraid of what it will do to me and when it will take my life. Maybe some people just aren't afraid of dying but hey man I am. Ya that just makes me mad. I really hate having this disease. It is so hard.. and everyone's always like you look so good though, you don't look that sick..and really I'm too nice to say anything to there face, but one day , and I think it will be soon, I'm gonna crack.. I know it's no one's fault, there just complimenting me but don't freaking tell me I'm not that sick when I have a fatal F*#$'n disease. I apologize to the people on this website who think I might be crazy, because I have gotten a couple emails from people saying to take it easy, and not be so depressed, but I can't help it at this time in my life,so I'm sorry and alot of times I think that this is not the right place for me. I need somewhere a little more vulgar. I mean I do love phcentral, it helps me but it depresses me more. Almost every time I check this site out I end up breaking down and crying and most of the times it ruines my night but there is good times too. Theres good people and good advice. So I do love you guys, don't be scared of me...I'm not insane! Well I guess that was my bitch session for tonight.
Hey...it's been awhile since I've been here. Last Sunday, I got a puppy and I've been extremely busy with her. Her name is Charly, she's mixed- lab, collie & german shephard. Right now she is 11 weeks and so cute. I can't believe how good she is too!! She has peed in the house only 3 times and they were all me and Wesley's fault. She knows how to sit and how to shake a paw....I'm very impressed. We took her for her first car ride tonite and I think she was pretty scared, she shook the whole ride. Sometimes I have doubts about having her, only because now it's like having a baby... I really can't go anywhere without her or without worrying about her. Before the car ride, we went shopping for about an hour and we decided to leave her out of her crate - she hates the crate - when we got back, nothing was misplaced and she was sitting under the kitchen table waiting for us. She really is good!
The weather here in Sudbury sucks. Winter is coming.....fast. It's been snowing on and off for about 3 days now and the wind is so cold. I already miss summer!!
We had the house inspector come over yesterday because of the plumbing problems were having. He said he can't do anything about the plumbing, but we hopefully will be able to do something about our freaking basement. What a horror story. I can't remember if I said already but our two of our walls in the basement are made out of wood. It said directly in the survey of the house concrete. Bullshit! Oh god...anyways the other two walls are caving in because of this so we are trying to get title insurance to fix it. If we are not covered...we are royally SCREWED. I don't even want to think about that! We will have to fix it if were not covered and of course we cannot afford that! I still haven't even got a freakin paycheck, that's another story. Well my dad said, if were not covered to walk away. I'm like what do you mean walk away and he said let the bank take the house and get the hell out. He doesn't think we should spend all this money on this old house. It was built in '62. I don't know he is probably right... I had a dream last night that we had to move out and I was so upset, crying and all that. We just better get covered man!
I should go, this is the latest I've been up since I got Charly, considering she waked me up at like 7:30am....and that is EARLY for me man so I really need to sleep!
I bought Charly a dog bed tonight. Before, I would just throw a blanket on the floor and she would curl up in that, but the blanket was getting on my nerves always lying around on the floor, so I go out tonight and buy her a $30 bed. Guess where she is laying right now...all the way in the freakin kirchen! I mean I don't really understand that, its pitch black in there, she's lying underneath the table on the floor, why the heck wouldn't she want a nice comfy bed? I know she is just a dog, but still man!! She better get used to it because I probably can't take it back now. We have had her for just over a week now and she's is good, but she is starting to pee in the house... ah, well she's just a puppy. Tomorrow, we are taking her to get her nails clipped and to get her first bath, I can't wait! Her nails are so long and eventually I will do this myself, but the groomer is Wes' friend so he wants to go there for the first time.
I finally am coming in to some money,....THANK GOD... I called today and they mailed the check on the 7th so I should get it probably tomorrow. When I found that out, I had to go spend some money so we went to Canadian Tire....got a really good deal on a christmas tree, Zellers where we got a whole bunch of christmas ornaments and decorations and then to Home Sense...more decorations. I'm so excited for christmas this year, even though we don't have that much money I just can't wait to decorate. I already started doing some stuff, last Thursday I was listening to this cd my dad made me. It's Kenny Roger's Christmas album (it's actually a record and he recorded it and made me a cd). I used to listen to that all the time growing up it is probably my favorite christmas music!! So I'm listening to that and I really started getting in the x-mas spirit...
On Sunday, Wes is leaving for the Island to go deer hunting for the week. I think that day, I'm probably gonna go to my parent's for the night and then I might come back and put up my tree. I know it's early but I feel like it!!!!!!
Hey. It's been awhile...I guess I've been busy....Well sort of I guess. My dog's been keeping me busy. I just looked out the window and it snowing out again. Crappy. I am so bored right now, it's Friday night and here I am doing nothing. To top it all off, the stupid satellite dish went down again so I'm stuck watching Canadian tv....let me tell you, I am proud to be Canadian, but canadian tv sucks. Big time. Direct TV better be back on by tomorrow because I need to just relax on the couch and watch a movie or something.
On Tuesday, my grandpa went into the hospital. I believe he is ok now but it was a really weird situation at first. My uncle Danny stopped in at grandpa's before work and grandpa was coming down the stairs when Dan walked in the house. He said that my grandpa looked at him as if he didnt know who the hell he was so my uncle knew there was something going on. The ambulance finally came and gramps started getting violent, attacking people and he didn't have a clue who anyone was. Anyways, it turned out that he was very dehydrated and malnourished so he should be getting out soon. At first they thought that he might have had a stroke, thank god he didn't. I heard he is feeling better, just talking very slowly but he does know who everyone is thankfully. I can't imagine being at camp with the whole family and him not recognizing anyone. I would like to go visit him, but my dad told me to stay the hell away from the hospital unless I want to get sick. The memories made me not having a problem to just wait until he gets out to see him.
I've been feeling like crap for the last couple days. All I do is sleep. I am tired all the time, although, I still can't seem to fall asleep at a normal hour at bedtime. Bedtime is usually around 3:00-4:00am, then I wake up at 12:00, but I'll sleep on the couch most of the afternoon. I can't stand this. Wes thinks I might just have a flu, but I think it has to be the disease. My heart is beating like crazy lately too for no reason at all. I'm really not in the mood to be sick man, my friends are all coming home from Ottawa in a few weeks and I don't want to feel like this when they are here. I've been really depressed lately too, and that only happens when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep. I can't help thinking about how things will be after I'm gone. I know this is not a normal way to think, but I do. I can't stand the thought, but it's there. I think about how Wes is gonna live without me. Discusting I know. I know he'll be fine, if anything it would have been me that cannot live without him...but the thoughts will not leave my head. It's not fair to have pph. Why the hell do I have it? I want to be suddently misdiagnosed like that other lady on this list, must be nice to just get to say "yeah, can you remove me from phcentral, the doctor misdiagnosed me so I don't need to be here anymore." Bitter yes I am, but again, I can't help it and I just do not give a shit.
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