Coping
Patient and Caregiver Diaries
Patient Diary -- The Life and Times of Alex
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Friday, December 16, 2011
BAAA HUMBUG!
BAAA HUMBUG!
I love the holidays! I love Christmas and everything about it! The music, the smells, the decorations, decorating, people bustling about. I love it. But this year I can't get into it. People at work drive me nuts. I'd like to scream, chill out! It's just another frikin day in the year!
I know why I can't get into Christmas this year. I miss my girls, Carly and Luzy. I can't afford to send them here like I've done every year since the divorce, and I miss them so much! Yes, I have Drea and Ellie here but I can't stand not seeing Luzy and Carly too. I haven't seen them since this summer and it's just way too long.
So i'll just say it once again, BAAA HUMBUG! I can't even stand the Christmas songs this year.
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Sunday, December 18, 2011
i'm so miserable
yesterday I woke up with a tickle in my nose, which turned into a sneeze, then several. then i got a runny nose. all day long yesterday at work i was sneezing and blowing, sneezing and blowing. i told my boss last night that if i woke up this sick, that i'd call in. so this morning, i thought all was well for the first few minutes, then started the sneezing again. crap! So i just called in sick and was given a hard time by the receptionist saying they need everyone in during the holidays. she then transfered me to the store manager who said if i take a nap this morning and wake up better, that i should give them a few hours at least because they really need me. i do hate calling in sick. but i hate being sick even more. i was so miserable yesterday at work! everyone kept asking why i didn't just leave. my boss (the department manager) asked if i wanted to leave early. i didn't because we took santa pics with Ellie last night. i ended up leaving the mall 3 hours after my shift ended, not because of the line at the santa place, but because drea got out of work an hour after i did, then ellie's daddy didn't show up for another half hour, then we ate dinner (did you know chick fil a has chicken soup. yummy too) then we went for the pics. i took some with my camera that are on fb but i'll post one here too.
so if i feel better after i nap, i may go in for just like 4 hours so i don't loose all my time... but i don't know. i'm afraid this is going to go into my chest. for now it's just in my head.
i'm so miserable
yesterday I woke up with a tickle in my nose, which turned into a sneeze, then several. then i got a runny nose. all day long yesterday at work i was sneezing and blowing, sneezing and blowing. i told my boss last night that if i woke up this sick, that i'd call in. so this morning, i thought all was well for the first few minutes, then started the sneezing again. crap! So i just called in sick and was given a hard time by the receptionist saying they need everyone in during the holidays. she then transfered me to the store manager who said if i take a nap this morning and wake up better, that i should give them a few hours at least because they really need me. i do hate calling in sick. but i hate being sick even more. i was so miserable yesterday at work! everyone kept asking why i didn't just leave. my boss (the department manager) asked if i wanted to leave early. i didn't because we took santa pics with Ellie last night. i ended up leaving the mall 3 hours after my shift ended, not because of the line at the santa place, but because drea got out of work an hour after i did, then ellie's daddy didn't show up for another half hour, then we ate dinner (did you know chick fil a has chicken soup. yummy too) then we went for the pics. i took some with my camera that are on fb but i'll post one here too.
so if i feel better after i nap, i may go in for just like 4 hours so i don't loose all my time... but i don't know. i'm afraid this is going to go into my chest. for now it's just in my head.
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Monday, January 02, 2012
ugh... dream...
I had a dream last night, about the x. how he had lost his job and had to stay with me and mom. we were back in texas, ughhhh.... and in the dream i started to fall in love with him again. maybe not love maybe like? ugh even that gives me the creeps! So i woke up feeling lonely. certainly not for the x , but lonely and bit sad. So much so that i even had a lump in my throat! I really hope this isn't a precursor to what the year will hold. that's what my momma says anyways! that what you do and feel is what the new year will feel like.
good thing though, i worked NYE and NY Day. so i hope that means i'll be working all year long. lol. i'm not ssuperstitious i'm not!! but it's starting to feel like i'm believing momma in some of her crazy shit. lol. i love that woman! and miss her so much! people are saying I'm looking like her, especially with the way I do my hair, which btw, it's way past time for a cut!
I'm going off topic there. I guess I really don't want to make this a sad post. but i'm sad today. maybe i'll find someone this year... i doubt it. but that's ok too i think, because i don't need a man to make me happy.. thank God, i'm out of my depression!!!! no residual or even anything showing up. i did get a lump in my throat when the ball dropped and they showed all these couples kissing dramatically and rromantically I want that gosh darn it! one year for my birthday i was desperate for a kiss. not on the ccheek.. never happened. went home and cried... i really hope i'm not that stupid this year!!!
HUGS be well everyone! love you guys!
ugh... dream...
I had a dream last night, about the x. how he had lost his job and had to stay with me and mom. we were back in texas, ughhhh.... and in the dream i started to fall in love with him again. maybe not love maybe like? ugh even that gives me the creeps! So i woke up feeling lonely. certainly not for the x , but lonely and bit sad. So much so that i even had a lump in my throat! I really hope this isn't a precursor to what the year will hold. that's what my momma says anyways! that what you do and feel is what the new year will feel like.
good thing though, i worked NYE and NY Day. so i hope that means i'll be working all year long. lol. i'm not ssuperstitious i'm not!! but it's starting to feel like i'm believing momma in some of her crazy shit. lol. i love that woman! and miss her so much! people are saying I'm looking like her, especially with the way I do my hair, which btw, it's way past time for a cut!
I'm going off topic there. I guess I really don't want to make this a sad post. but i'm sad today. maybe i'll find someone this year... i doubt it. but that's ok too i think, because i don't need a man to make me happy.. thank God, i'm out of my depression!!!! no residual or even anything showing up. i did get a lump in my throat when the ball dropped and they showed all these couples kissing dramatically and rromantically I want that gosh darn it! one year for my birthday i was desperate for a kiss. not on the ccheek.. never happened. went home and cried... i really hope i'm not that stupid this year!!!
HUGS be well everyone! love you guys!
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Thursday, January 26, 2012
sickies
So I've been sick since before the end of 2011... coughing and sneezing with a sore throat. i thought i was getting over it and WHAM just like the weather changed, I got sick all over again.. but this time the coughing was worse and I felt like I had a fever too...
I called in sick on Monday, went to work on Tuesday but left a half hour later. Went to the docs Tuesday afternoon and was told I had the flu. She said it didn't look like it because i had a lot of drainage to the throat and that was what was making me cough so much, but gave me tamiflu, cough med with codeine and said not to return to work until Thursday. So i've been in bed since then, have had drea bring me food, she's so awesome! thank goodness I don't' work tomorrow because I can tell you I'm not ready to go in tomorrow. I don't know how that silly doc could think I'd be ready to go back to work in a few days. lol.
I'm hoping the cough med starts to work, nothing is working for it... ugh.. i had a dream that i was in a store and someone ripped off my cpap mask and I started to cough. that's when I woke up coughing for real. that was probably about half hour ago, if not a bit longer. I'd really like to go back to sleep but i can't seem to. seems like when i lie flat, i start to cough. so I'm propped up on two pillows which isn't that much, these are pretty flat pillows.
I'm going to sign off now and try to sleep! wish me well....
HUGS!
sickies
So I've been sick since before the end of 2011... coughing and sneezing with a sore throat. i thought i was getting over it and WHAM just like the weather changed, I got sick all over again.. but this time the coughing was worse and I felt like I had a fever too...
I called in sick on Monday, went to work on Tuesday but left a half hour later. Went to the docs Tuesday afternoon and was told I had the flu. She said it didn't look like it because i had a lot of drainage to the throat and that was what was making me cough so much, but gave me tamiflu, cough med with codeine and said not to return to work until Thursday. So i've been in bed since then, have had drea bring me food, she's so awesome! thank goodness I don't' work tomorrow because I can tell you I'm not ready to go in tomorrow. I don't know how that silly doc could think I'd be ready to go back to work in a few days. lol.
I'm hoping the cough med starts to work, nothing is working for it... ugh.. i had a dream that i was in a store and someone ripped off my cpap mask and I started to cough. that's when I woke up coughing for real. that was probably about half hour ago, if not a bit longer. I'd really like to go back to sleep but i can't seem to. seems like when i lie flat, i start to cough. so I'm propped up on two pillows which isn't that much, these are pretty flat pillows.
I'm going to sign off now and try to sleep! wish me well....
HUGS!
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Monday, February 06, 2012
dec 18
So I just looked back when I wrote for the first time that I've been sick and believe it or not, I have been sick since Dec 18!!! I'm not getting any better, in fact, I feel worse. Coughing and hacking, chest pain from the coughing, runny nose, head ache, body aches. I still have to go to work like this, I don't want to loose my job. They give you so many points when you first start working there and if you reach zero points, you no longer have a job. I have no idea where I am. you loose 2 points if you call in on the weekend and one for the weekday. also, if you are more than 10 minutes late, you loose a point too. plus, i'm sure i lost a point when i went with drea to the e.r. when she passed out. (btw, the doc said she was out of shape and needed to stop smoking, however, she has a return visit scheduled for a month)
So I get to go to work this morning, yesterday was the pitts!!! So much pain and coughing. I'll be seeing a doc today or tomorrow, whenever they can see me.
The other night, I woke up vomiting and almost went to the E.R. myself, but after sleeping, i felt better. i haven't thrown up since. my fam was so pissed off at me for not going but i can't afford the co pay! Hopefully we can figure out what the hell is going on with me and I can start to feeling better. bus comes soon. shit.
hope everyone is feeling good and having ph free days!!
dec 18
So I just looked back when I wrote for the first time that I've been sick and believe it or not, I have been sick since Dec 18!!! I'm not getting any better, in fact, I feel worse. Coughing and hacking, chest pain from the coughing, runny nose, head ache, body aches. I still have to go to work like this, I don't want to loose my job. They give you so many points when you first start working there and if you reach zero points, you no longer have a job. I have no idea where I am. you loose 2 points if you call in on the weekend and one for the weekday. also, if you are more than 10 minutes late, you loose a point too. plus, i'm sure i lost a point when i went with drea to the e.r. when she passed out. (btw, the doc said she was out of shape and needed to stop smoking, however, she has a return visit scheduled for a month)
So I get to go to work this morning, yesterday was the pitts!!! So much pain and coughing. I'll be seeing a doc today or tomorrow, whenever they can see me.
The other night, I woke up vomiting and almost went to the E.R. myself, but after sleeping, i felt better. i haven't thrown up since. my fam was so pissed off at me for not going but i can't afford the co pay! Hopefully we can figure out what the hell is going on with me and I can start to feeling better. bus comes soon. shit.
hope everyone is feeling good and having ph free days!!
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Thursday, February 09, 2012
vertigo?
So yesterday I went to work as usual but had a later shift. it was a short shift so i thought it'd be fine. But when I got to the mall, I sat down to have bite and got real dizzy. it wasn't all that bad until after i finished eatting and stood up. I was so dizzy the room was spinning out of control. I continued to walk to the department and was feeling almost drunk in how i walked. when i got there i said, i'm so dizzy, and the ladies behind the counter grabbed me as if i was falling. i don't think i was though. they took me to a bed and made me sit. they called the department manager who came over right away. in all i was dizzy for about 45 minutes. i decided to go to the e.r. because it lasted for so long. but by the time i was seen in the e.r. like 2 hours later, the dizziness was gone. i called my ph doc and the nurse said i should be seen since it lasted for so long. in total i was there for like 7 hours!!! i felt stupid for being there since i was ok, but since the ph doc said to be seen, i went ahead and stayed. i got a cat scan of my brain, a chest x ray for this damn cough, and lots of blood work. everything came back normal and i was sent on my way. the diagnosis, vertigo. i called my ph doc this morning who is skeptical at best. they want to see me next month. so far today, i've spent the day in bed but am looking forwward to going out with debbie tonight to see a movie and get some dinner. chipotle maybe. mmm. love that stuff!
vertigo?
So yesterday I went to work as usual but had a later shift. it was a short shift so i thought it'd be fine. But when I got to the mall, I sat down to have bite and got real dizzy. it wasn't all that bad until after i finished eatting and stood up. I was so dizzy the room was spinning out of control. I continued to walk to the department and was feeling almost drunk in how i walked. when i got there i said, i'm so dizzy, and the ladies behind the counter grabbed me as if i was falling. i don't think i was though. they took me to a bed and made me sit. they called the department manager who came over right away. in all i was dizzy for about 45 minutes. i decided to go to the e.r. because it lasted for so long. but by the time i was seen in the e.r. like 2 hours later, the dizziness was gone. i called my ph doc and the nurse said i should be seen since it lasted for so long. in total i was there for like 7 hours!!! i felt stupid for being there since i was ok, but since the ph doc said to be seen, i went ahead and stayed. i got a cat scan of my brain, a chest x ray for this damn cough, and lots of blood work. everything came back normal and i was sent on my way. the diagnosis, vertigo. i called my ph doc this morning who is skeptical at best. they want to see me next month. so far today, i've spent the day in bed but am looking forwward to going out with debbie tonight to see a movie and get some dinner. chipotle maybe. mmm. love that stuff!
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012
some relief? and more
Today is Luzy's birthday. as you may remember, Luzy is my youngest daughter. She turned 16 today. I feel so bad that I have missed yet another special day in her life. i feel so bad that we can't have more than a five minute convo before she has to go. I feel so bad that it took 3 calls for me to finally get a hold of her today. Her life is taking her in new and different places, as is mine. I'm missing her life. I don't know her anymore and that breaks my heart. I don't know her likes and dislikes. her favorite foods, colors, etc. I sometimes think it was a mistake to leave Texas after the divorce, but I had to. I just simply had to for my own sanity. i would have probably ended up killing myself had i stayed in Texas and that's the truth. But with leaving, I left behind Carly and Luzy. Carly I speak to almost daily. She came out here to stay and we lived in Cali together for a while. I know there's never going to be a time in Carly's life that I won't know her like I don't know Luzy now. and it breaks my fucking heart. I miss my girls so much!!! I couldn't even afford to bring Luzy here this past Christmas break. I'm trying to save up money to be able to fly her out here for a couple weeks this summer, but I don't know if I can. it's so hard.
Luzy and I used to have a special bond. I can't even describe it. I knew Luzy would be my last child so I wanted so much to enjoy ever little thing she did. I couldn't with Drea because Carly was born and I couldn't with Carly cuz I was so busy with the two of them. I tried making special time with each of my girls individually and together of course but my time with Luzy was i don't know. we laughed more. we hugged more. we sang more. it's not like i separated us from Carly and Drea. but the bond was strongest between me and Luzy. and now I feel like that bond is no more. it's broken, gone.
I try really hard not to think about all this. it's too painful. you know? but today, of all days, when I usually remember ever tiny aspect of her birth day, i just started thinking and thinking. and I miss my girls! I love them all so much I really really do. i just seem to miss Luzy more, because of that broken bond we used to share.
some relief? and more
( I wrote this on valentine's day and it doesn't look like it posted on here so i'm trying again!)
so these past few days i haven't had to constantly be sucking on cough drops to keep the cough from attacking me at every angle, every turn. it still will creep up on me from time to time but at least i don't have to have one of those cough drops in my mouth to hold a conversation. i am feeling better, cold wise too. it's been beautiful over here, weather wise. we were supposed to have snow today (according to weather.com) and once again, we were passed over. it was a beautiful sunshiny day! When I got back into town, drea called asking if I'd watch Ellie for a while. Of course! How could I possibly pass up the chance to watch Ellie ! Spending time with that little girl means to much!!!
so these past few days i haven't had to constantly be sucking on cough drops to keep the cough from attacking me at every angle, every turn. it still will creep up on me from time to time but at least i don't have to have one of those cough drops in my mouth to hold a conversation. i am feeling better, cold wise too. it's been beautiful over here, weather wise. we were supposed to have snow today (according to weather.com) and once again, we were passed over. it was a beautiful sunshiny day! When I got back into town, drea called asking if I'd watch Ellie for a while. Of course! How could I possibly pass up the chance to watch Ellie ! Spending time with that little girl means to much!!!
Luzy and I used to have a special bond. I can't even describe it. I knew Luzy would be my last child so I wanted so much to enjoy ever little thing she did. I couldn't with Drea because Carly was born and I couldn't with Carly cuz I was so busy with the two of them. I tried making special time with each of my girls individually and together of course but my time with Luzy was i don't know. we laughed more. we hugged more. we sang more. it's not like i separated us from Carly and Drea. but the bond was strongest between me and Luzy. and now I feel like that bond is no more. it's broken, gone.
I try really hard not to think about all this. it's too painful. you know? but today, of all days, when I usually remember ever tiny aspect of her birth day, i just started thinking and thinking. and I miss my girls! I love them all so much I really really do. i just seem to miss Luzy more, because of that broken bond we used to share.
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Friday, February 24, 2012
having a great time!!
I've been having a great time with a friend that lives just two doors down from me. I've known she's down there since I moved in, she helped me move here :-) But she took some time off work and while she did, and I had time off work, we went around the area and discovered new places and saw new things. We found out we each love museums and we each love music. we are planning on going to the Kennedy Center in D.C. and watching a performance of some kind on their free stage! I didn't know they had free performances every day, thought it was just Thursday! I'm excited!
We were going to go to the monuments last night but I worked a full shift and was too tired. I'm doing a full shift today as well and am so tired. lol. I know I can do it, just going to be going slow today.
I hope we can keep going out and doing stuff together.. it's hard when you work a full time job like she does. but we'll see what happens.
HUGS!
having a great time!!
I've been having a great time with a friend that lives just two doors down from me. I've known she's down there since I moved in, she helped me move here :-) But she took some time off work and while she did, and I had time off work, we went around the area and discovered new places and saw new things. We found out we each love museums and we each love music. we are planning on going to the Kennedy Center in D.C. and watching a performance of some kind on their free stage! I didn't know they had free performances every day, thought it was just Thursday! I'm excited!
We were going to go to the monuments last night but I worked a full shift and was too tired. I'm doing a full shift today as well and am so tired. lol. I know I can do it, just going to be going slow today.
I hope we can keep going out and doing stuff together.. it's hard when you work a full time job like she does. but we'll see what happens.
HUGS!
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Sunday, February 26, 2012
disappointed in myself
So yesterday was my day off, and I had plans to go out with a friend from work for lunch. she never called which means she was busy like she said she might have been. but I also needed to go to target to some stuff and i wanted to go to the Basilica for Mass. but what did I do yesterday? I stayed in bed all day, for no reason. I wasn't tired. I wasn't SOB. nothing. Didn't even get out of my p.j.'s.
I'm not a loner. I"m not. and I think that was what the problem was. I didn't want to go out by myself. I want to be surrounded by people who care for me and want to do things with me. is that too needy? I didn't think I was that needy! I mean, I do things on my own all the time. you know? but I just didn't feel like going out on my own. I know once I'm out I"ll have a good time cuz I enjoy looking at things and listening to nature and walking around kind of thing.
It's like getting me in a pool. I don't swim. I don't like my body. so why would I want to get into the tiniest outfit that sticks to your ever curve and then get into a pool? but once i'm in the pool, i'll totally relax and enjoy it. i'm the same way going out alone. that's why i haven't gone to any resale shops or why i've only been to Mass once since coming back here.
Here's something else I"m struggling with... why do I keep waking up so frikin early?!? I went to bed at a decent hour last night, around 10:30 and I still woke up at around 5ish.. this has been happening for a while now. there has got to be something going on in my head that I don't know about yet. I know I've written about this before, but I still can't figure out why i've been waking up so early.
I'm still sick. definently not any where close to where I was before. But the cough won't go away unless I have a cough drop in my mouth at all times. i hate it cuz they taste gross. but the directions say to only have one every 2 hours, and i'm having one every 30 minutes or so. so i don't know.
thanks for listening to me complain..
disappointed in myself
So yesterday was my day off, and I had plans to go out with a friend from work for lunch. she never called which means she was busy like she said she might have been. but I also needed to go to target to some stuff and i wanted to go to the Basilica for Mass. but what did I do yesterday? I stayed in bed all day, for no reason. I wasn't tired. I wasn't SOB. nothing. Didn't even get out of my p.j.'s.
I'm not a loner. I"m not. and I think that was what the problem was. I didn't want to go out by myself. I want to be surrounded by people who care for me and want to do things with me. is that too needy? I didn't think I was that needy! I mean, I do things on my own all the time. you know? but I just didn't feel like going out on my own. I know once I'm out I"ll have a good time cuz I enjoy looking at things and listening to nature and walking around kind of thing.
It's like getting me in a pool. I don't swim. I don't like my body. so why would I want to get into the tiniest outfit that sticks to your ever curve and then get into a pool? but once i'm in the pool, i'll totally relax and enjoy it. i'm the same way going out alone. that's why i haven't gone to any resale shops or why i've only been to Mass once since coming back here.
Here's something else I"m struggling with... why do I keep waking up so frikin early?!? I went to bed at a decent hour last night, around 10:30 and I still woke up at around 5ish.. this has been happening for a while now. there has got to be something going on in my head that I don't know about yet. I know I've written about this before, but I still can't figure out why i've been waking up so early.
I'm still sick. definently not any where close to where I was before. But the cough won't go away unless I have a cough drop in my mouth at all times. i hate it cuz they taste gross. but the directions say to only have one every 2 hours, and i'm having one every 30 minutes or so. so i don't know.
thanks for listening to me complain..
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